Friday, June 28, 2013

Why I have been absent

I haven’t written here for a while. I won’t make an excuses; I won’t try to justify it with “oh I have been so busy”. Because while yes, we have been very busy, it seems. I just haven’t felt much like writing. I have had a lot of heaviness on my heart. Things have been going on that I haven’t really felt like talking about it. Even now as I start this post I am not 100% ready to write but I feel as though I need to write, I need to connect with my followers again, I need to start moving forward and find the happiness in my everyday life. Dwelling on the past and the things that have been said aren’t doing me any good so here I am. Don’t worry, C.J. and I are fine. Zach is doing great! I seriously cannot believe how quickly his 2nd birthday is coming up! I am not going to write about what is going on that has me so down but I will say at this point it is starting to affect my health and I need to put an end to that. While I had done very well on my diet for a good while I feel like one thing after another started happening and I fell of the veggie wagon; I started to comfort eat again and I am the biggest I have ever been aside from when I was pregnant. I am disgusted with the person I see in the mirror. I feel like weight gain post baby looks so different the weight gain pre baby. I have always found comfort in food; I use it to shelter how I am really feeling and to bury those feelings knee deep in deliciousness. I am now at a point of being uncomfortable not only in my own skin but health wise too. This needs to stop. This HAS to stop. I need to find the will power within myself to change. To not let all those comments people have made over the years bring me down. While yes, I do need to shed a few pounds, when you comment on someone’s weight it hurts. It hurts deep and it doesn’t make it easier. In fact I find solace in food when someone comments about my weight. Odd, I know. You would think a perfect stranger asking you when you are due would make you want to put down the cheeseburger but it doesn’t. For me it makes me want to eat that cheeseburger, followed by fries, followed by a beverage of either soda or a milkshake. That ideology, that eating more for comfort is how I ended up here. Hello, I am Jennifer and I am 221 pounds. Let’s really break that down here folks. I am 5’5” and weigh 221lbs that puts my BMI at 36.8. I am considered obese. In order to be at my goal weight I need to shed a total of 91 pounds. I literally need to lose an entire person to end up at my goal weight. There seriously could be TWO of me at this point, one obviously younger, but still TWO of me could exist off the weight I am currently carrying around! That ends today! It has to, I can’t be the kind of mom I want to be for Zach at the weight I am now. We cannot think about expanding our family more with my health were it is now. So I have to find new ways of thinking. I need to get into a better place emotionally for myself. So, that way I can be the best wife and momma I can be for the two boys in my house. I need to do everything in my power to make sure I am here for a very long time. So, no longer will people’s hurtful untrue words hurt me. No longer will I be hurt by the fact that to some people I am only a friend when they need something. No longer will I look in the mirror and see what people have told me I was or what I couldn’t accomplish. I will wake up each morning and see in the mirror my truths. And my truths are; I am beautiful, I am a good friend, I am a good person, I am a great wife and mother. I love my family more than words could ever say, and that goes for my side and C.J’s side equally. I will only ever try and do what is best or what I feel is best for my son, husband and myself. I will work hard at my job to be the best employee I can be and I will lay my head on my pillow each night and know I did everything I could that day to make it a great one. Because, if I have learned anything it is that tomorrow is never a guarantee and I would hate for my last day on God’s green earth to have been spent in anger, sadness or full of regrets. Please join me on this journey of rebuilding myself. I hope to have a big ass party when I am done!

4 comments:

  1. Weight loss has always been a struggle for me too. Don't get yourself down, we all fall off that wagon and make mistakes and some end up gaining more weight. Believe me, been there, done that. Best of luck to you!

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  2. Ya know, I do the same thing sometimes with food. When I'm starting to not feel happy with how I look or feel, I just eat more chocolate or pizza. When I watch The Biggest Loser, I want to eat ice cream and chips. I don't know why. I do find when I don't buy the bad stuff, I do much better. I just can't have it in the house. Start writing in a journal of everything you eat each day. It's holding yourself accountable. People don't like to write down the bad stuff so they 'won't' eat it. I'm always here for you if you ever need to vent, cry, scream, you name it! :-) You ARE a good friend, wife and Momma!

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  3. Jennifer,
    I came across your blog through my cousin's husband, Tim Deloach. I have been where you are and can attest that through good diet and exercise, it IS possible to get to where you want to me. At my heaviest I weighed 225 (when I delivered my son in 2007). After years of being overweight, I decided that I was tired of being fat and hating how I looked. I wasn't inactive - I worked out at the gym, ran on the elliptical but never really got where I wanted to be. I had tried diet pills, shakes, you name it. The results were always temporary and inevitably I gained the weight back. Finally one day I decided to try something I swore I would never do - running. It was more like walking/jogging at first, no more than a minute before I was out of breath. I persisted though and as the months passed, the weight melted off and I was able to run longer distances. That was 3 years ago and 5 marathons ago. I've since started boxing and Crossfit and am finding that I love to challenge myself and seeing the results is a fantastic reward. Never say never. If the shakes help you get started, great. But ultimately you will have to figure out a diet that works for you. A month ago I decided to try eating the Paleo Diet and have never felt better. I am still working on getting to my goal weight of 135. Currently I'm at 149 but at a size 6/8 (I started out at an 18), I am content with how my clothes fit. IT IS POSSIBLE! Don't give up on yourself - your health is worth it, for you and for your son. Good luck!

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